HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN / WOMAN
 

 

MAN VERSION

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)

Turn on the water.

Check for pecs again. (no)

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Wash your penis and surrounding area.

Wash your ass.

Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Long version:

Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.


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WOMAN VERSION

Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped below 70 degrees.

Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on your head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.

Turn on the hot water only and let run.

Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly below it's boiling point.

Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Rinse.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Rinse.

Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Rinse.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).

Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.

Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.

Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom.