Jokes
 

 

Three bachelors were kidding Lou, the married man among them. "You've been hitched five years now, Lou, how come you have no children?" asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun he added, "Is your wife UNBEARABLE?"

"Or," said another guy, "Is she INCONCEIVABLE?"

"Maybe she's IMPREGNABLE," joked the third man.

"No, boys you're all wrong," lamented Lou. "My wife is INSURMOUNTABLE and INSCRUTABLE!"

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The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."

"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.

"In bed," she explained, "You've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

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After a few years of being married, the wife surprised her husband with a new car, a pinky ring and other wonderful gifts to celebrate their anniversary.

When the wife asked what he bought, he replied, a new sable coat, a vacation and a big surprise. He opened his robe and showed her that he had tattooed the words "I Love You" on his penis.

To which the wife replied, "I don't care what you say, but don't try putting words in my mouth."

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On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother," she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."


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A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"

"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.

"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.

"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

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One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

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A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, then selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs.

"Honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly.

"Hell no!" he gasped, "Look what it's done to your underwear!"

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."


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A cowboy and his new bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room. "Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says. "Would you like the bridal, then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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The judge was talking to Minnie Mouse from the bench."Mrs. Mouse, I have listened to all of the evidence and I can not agree with you that your husband, Mickey Mouse is CRAZY. I can not grant you a divorce on those grounds."

"CRAZY? I didn't say he was CRAZY!" said Minnie.

"I said he was fucking Goofy!"

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The morning after their honeymoon, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're a really lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"