One-Liners
 

 

Is it wrong to have sex before you are married?
Only if you are late for the ceremony.

My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.

What's a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dickheads.

What's the difference between medium and rare?
6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Why didn't Dolly Parton ever take up stage acting?
They all said she'd be a big bust on Broadway.

How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.

What was Dolly Parton voted in high school?
Most likely to breast-feed Ethiopia.

Why was Joan Collins voted most popular girl at the US Cavalry dance?
Because she was mounted more times than the horses.

Why was Joan Collins voted "Woman of the Year" by Screw magazine?
Because she had more meat between her buns than McDonald's.

Did you know that Rock Hudson was going to make a movie with Sylvester Stallone?
They were going to call it Ram-Butt.

Did you know that Rock Hudson had his auto insurance canceled three times?
He kept getting rear-ended.

Did you hear that Rock Hudson was thinking about buying a cookie franchise?
He was going to call it Famous Anus.

Why was Billie Jean King such a good tennis player?
Because she swings both ways.

What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
20 class rings fell out.

A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence...it protects the property without obstructing any of the view.

What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends...

What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emgerency room to get it out!

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly: when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush!!

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."

How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

What's the the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toy's for Twats.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in....definitely!

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says he wants 69. His wife says, "Why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"

What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release.

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods, so she ran up to him, knocked him flat on his back. Sat on his face, and yelled, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.