SEX JOKES
 

 

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.

So what's the problem?


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Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?


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A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."

Her husband sighed and said, "All right, I'll stop doing it."


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He: "I already have a nickname for you."

She: "And what is that?"

He: "MasterCard."

She: "MasterCard?"

He: "Yes, MasterCard. I plan on mastering your possibilities and takin' you to the limit."


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Bob: "So, how's it going with the ladies?"

Joey: "Women to me are sex objects."

Bob: "Really?"

Joey: "Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object."


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"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement?" asked Julie.

"Well," Sharon confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."


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A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "Here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."


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Even KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new, year 2000 compliant, product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"


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(This refers to the show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire)

After dinner Regis and his wife, Joy, retired to the bedroom. With high hopes, Regis asked Joy if she would like to make love.

She replied with her usual, "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache."

"Hmmmm," mused Regis, "is that your final answer?"

"Yes, it is," replied Joy.

Regis thought this over for a moment and then asked, "I'd like to phone a friend."


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Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."


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Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.

The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."


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There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think? Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?


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Jeff and Linda are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awwwww Hell!" Jeff murmured, "Fuzz!"

"What did ya expect?" Linda says, "A perm?"


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Gomer Pyle is with his girlfriend Bunny and he says, "Bunny, can I put my finger in your belly button?"

She answers, "Why Gomer, how forward, but I guess so."

A few minutes pass and Bunny says in a surprised tone, "Why Gomer, that isn't my belly button!"

Gomer answers exuberantly, "Sur----prise! Sur---prise!!!! That ain't my finger neither! Gollllllyyyyyy.......


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A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies. "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says. "Because it's burning my ass!"


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A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady. She walks up to him and says, "They tell me that you people don't wear anything under those kilts."

The Scotsman says, "Feel and see for yourself."

So she did and says, "Oh, that's gruesome!"

He says, "Try it again, it grew some more!"


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Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."


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The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some!"


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The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen," the lady replied.

"Lady," he gasped, "You're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"


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The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said.

"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'."


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"My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."


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The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and say, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!"

He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."


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This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have."

The female response was: "Well, spit it out. It isn't yours!"


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One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest. "Your legs!"


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The sex of a bee is hard to see
But he can tell and so can she.
The queen is quite a busy soul
She has no time for birth control.
And that is why in times like these,
There are so many sons of bees.


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The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red.

Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease."


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A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip -- and there were still 5 shaves left!


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There were two old ladies at a dance. One says, "Do you remember the minuet?"

The other replies, "I can't even remember the ones I screwed."


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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, "Please let her be having an affair."


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Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"


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A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blow-up doll. He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."

The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75!"


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A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say that they are hungry and thirsty. It was freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."


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A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring! That's my wristwatch."


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The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, low and behold there were two older Indian women siting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation.

The one older Indian woman said, "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."

One of the East Coast hookers said, "No Shit, Well, I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."


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Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves." I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."


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This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face!


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An ode to the cut
that never heals.
The more you touch it
the better it feels.

You can rub it and scrub it
and brush it like hell.
But you will never get rid
of that damn cod fish smell.


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A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.


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You know you've had a good blow job when...

1) You have to pull the sheets out of your butt when she is done.

2) Your pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.

3) The head of your pecker is twice the size of your balls.


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Three hungry Korean guys walk into a restaurant and sit down. One of them reads a sign, translates to the others, and then they whip down their pants and all start to whack off furiously.

The waitress comes up and asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?"

They reply, "The sign said, first come first served!!"


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Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other. "Martha, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"

"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Agnes," her friend replied with disgust.

"I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."


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Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!'" "Beeeep!"

"Uh, yeah.. this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"


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A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."


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A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"


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This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.


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An old farmer comes running across field screaming. The farmers wife was at the kitchen window wondering what the hell was going on. He rushes in house and says, "Ma, get in bed I got a hard on."

She slowly gets undressed and gets in bed. He looses his hard on. He gives her a stern lecture, "Next time I come screaming you be in bed ready!"

Two months later here he comes screaming across field. She sighs and gets in bed. He rushes in and says, "Ma you damn sex maniac get out of bed---the barns on fire!"


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A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trenchcoats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.

One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"


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An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" He asks.

"Three knots," she replies.

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."


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Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
and shriveled
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
A balloon.


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There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get the door," says the first ovary. She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

No why?" asks the other ovary.

"Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"


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A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"


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The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she said. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."


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Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.

"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a dickhead?"


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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?


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Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?"

"Yes," her friend replied.

"What do you do about it?"

"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"


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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "What are you doing in my bed?"


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It's really hard being a pecker! You have a head, but you can't think. You've got an eye, but you can't see. All you do is hang around all day with a couple of nuts. Your closest neighbor is a real asshole. And ever since AIDS, you gotta wear a rubber suit and throw up all over yourself!


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The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?"


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Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night. Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"


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Two nuns were on a remote beach. They decided to go behind a sand dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them. The first nun asked him, "Aren't you going to focus?"

The second nun said, "Quiet sister...let him take his picture first."


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An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking ..."Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking ..."Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."


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This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."


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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."


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An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: "Dad, how do us Indians get our names?"

"It's very simple," replies the chief. "Your oldest brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morning, so we call him Rising Sun. Why do you ask Broken Rubber?"


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A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"


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A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- the best sex he'd ever had!

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"


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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!"


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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."


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Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"


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A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel,"replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."


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This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived, he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked, "What they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said "But we don't skin 'em!"


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An exhibitionist named Joe, was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

"I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket here, not your stub."


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An old man and his wife were listening to their favorite radio evangelist, who promised, "With God's incredible powers behind me, I can heal anything! Place one hand on the radio and the other on that which you want healed, and IT SHALL BE HEALED!"

The old woman put one hand on the radio and the other on her heart. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his pants.

The woman said, "Uh, honey, he said he could HEAL, not BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD!"


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There's a kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.

When he walks in the house his mother, who was watching him through the window, says, "I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid was about to say something when his father walks through the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. Then he says to his mother, "You want to tell him or should I?"


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A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."


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An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"


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A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."


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An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died?"

"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing!"


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Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."


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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


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A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."


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Reminiscing about their wayward youth, a former hippie asked a onetime flower child, "Say, were you ever picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I bet it'd hurt!"


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An Eskimo's snowmobile goes on the fritz. He takes it to a mechanic, who, after examining the vehicle, says, "I think you've blown a seal."

To which the Eskimo replies, "No, that's just a little ice on my mustache."


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Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home? One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."


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Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them.

Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.