A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"


I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee,
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.


That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.


If you see a fat man
who's jolly and cute
Wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit

And if he is chuckling
and laughing away
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh

With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along
Then lets face it
Your eggnog's too strong!



You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!



Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.

There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.

Frosty the cokehead doesn't worry anymore,
'Cuz when all is said, and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.


Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?"

Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."

Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?"

Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."


It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.


I was so poor, that if I didn't wake up with a boner on Christmas morning, I'd have had nothing to play with.

What is the Christmas message in these letters: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?
No "L" (Noel).

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Why do all the other reindeer have brown noses?
Because they cant stop as quickly as Rudolph!

Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter?
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

The three stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts!"

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Santa Clues.

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

A reason Santa has to be a man: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

What's bloody and slimy and goes "Ho-Ho-Ho"?
Placenta Claus.

Why does Santa have such a big sack?
'Cuz he only comes once a year.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Why are a lion at the beach and Christmas alike?
Because the lion has sandy claws.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
He likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

What do African-Americans and Christmas trees have in common ?
They both have colored balls.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"