VIAGRA JOKES
 

 

ODE TO VIAGRA

Some say it is super.
Some say it is silly.
We hear it works great
for a limp-acting Willie.

You've heard no doubt
Of a starch called Niagara.
We found out by chance
It's what's contained in Viagara.

At ten dollars a pop
This seems like a buy.
But can you suggest it
To your impotent guy?

It's side effects aren't charted
It may be too iffy.
But what some men won't do
For a good old-fashioned stiffy!


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This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He asked why.

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"


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Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"


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A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!"


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Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of Viagra and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and poured the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."


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Bartender: "Joe, you look kinda down, what's the matter?"

Joe: "Well, I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The doctor told me they wouldn't help my love life at all."

Bartender: "Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy."

Joe: "The doctor told me it wouldn't help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!"


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The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. Three times! He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"


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A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walgreens and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks sotto voce, "Do you sell VIAGRA here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once, you might."


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The FDA says pilots shouldn't go into the cockpit until 6 hours have elapsed after using Viagra. Strange, I thought you used Viagra to get INTO the cockpit.


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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


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Did you hear about the snake that took Viagra and ended up as a walking stick?

They've discovered the secret ingredient in Viagra.
Fix-a-Flat!

Viagra has been a big boon to "stand up" comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it ... she says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put Viagra in the thermometer?"

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm."

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

A guy said that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.


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SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA

"Viagra, the quicker, dicker upper."
"Viagra, one-a-day, like iron."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."
"Viagra, home of the whopper."
"Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em."
"Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
"Viagra, tastes great, less filling."
"Viagra, ten inches long...and growing."
"Viagra, we work harder, so you don't have to."
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
"Get a piece of the rock."
"You've come a long way, baby!"
"Viagra, built ram tough."
"Here's the beef!"
"Just do her."


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HOW TO TELL IF YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING

* At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
* The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood)--It's all you-know-where.
* You begin to look at the dog with interest.
* You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand.
* When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
* You begin to thing that your mother-in-law is pretty.
* They begin to call you "the tripod."
* You go out to sunbathe nude and (if you're standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if you're lying down) you look like a sundial.
* When you go camping all you bring is the canvas, but you leave the tent poles behind.
* Everyone lets you get in line in front of him or her in the bank, the supermarket, etc.
* Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar, compared with you.
* You always lose limbo contests.
* Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
* You can make drawings in the sand at the beach without having to look for a stick.
* You had them take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom because you like to sleep on your back.


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Did you hear the first Viagra baby has been born?
It could stand up right away.

What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafillin.

What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?
You wait one hour for a two minute ride!

If you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell!

Viagra Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Did you hear that they are giving the old guys in the nursing home Viagra every night?
It keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Did you know they are mixing Viagra and Doans (the backpain medicine)?
It keeps the back from petering out and the peter from backing out.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men?.... They come with just a "Viagra" more room.

For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have Viagra-free zones.

And the New Viagra SMILEY FACE! :---)

What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.

What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.


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A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals!

They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.


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THE 16 DAYS OF VIAGRA

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.


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A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history!"

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife? I haven't been home yet!"